Continuing the search for myself, my passions, and my purpose


Success over Doubt

Back in January I made the post “Do what you love”, but what is it? where I briefly touch on my own struggles in my climb out of the dark hole of depression and my search to find exactly what I’m choosing to pursue in both my online entrepreneurial effors and life in general.

We are on this earth ever so briefly and many of us waste too much time not actually living a life we enjoy.

Unfortunately, for me at least, digging out and working towards a more fulfilling life is made more difficult because of the very rut that I’m digging out of. The stresses of working where you don’t want to work, living in a house that has essentially crushed your soul and sucked you dry, not being able to do any of the few things you enjoy in life, and just being unsettled in where you are personally can make it that much more difficult to get going in the right direction. IMHO, it can also make you put additional pressure on yourself to make the right decisions, as if this might be your only shot at getting out and if you take the wrong road this time, you’re screwed forever. Naturally, that isn’t the case, but our minds really love to toy with us. 😉

Despite all of this and despite my lack of progress in posting consistently, my mind has been more at peace the last couple days and my confidence in myself to figure everything out is quite high. Go figure, lol.

Just for the record, and just for the hell of it, here is how I see myself dealing with the issues above.

Working where I don’t want to work

For the moment at least, getting a different job is out of the question for me. When it comes to jobs, I’m simply a misfit and barring some miraculous mindset transformation, I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Most corporations are purely profit driven and the decisions they make are designed to make money for shareholders and fatten higher management bonuses. They pretend to give a crap about customers and employees, but you can’t serve two masters. Trying to milk more profit and productivity from your front line employees while at the same time trying to pay them as little as you can get away with and keeping payroll at skeleton crew levels does not help the customer experience and does not help morale.

With that mini-rant out of the way, I’ve simply accepted that I’ll continue there for as long as it takes to get things turned around online. It’s highly unlikely that I’ll find a shorter commute time and my coworkers and customers are mostly cool to deal with. Those positives alone will keep me going. Getting a “better” job won’t change my issue with corporations, so I’ll stick with the status quo on that.

Buying a house was a mistake

Ahhh, the old American Dream B.S.

Sometimes, when you’re young and in love, you make the wrong decisions for the right reasons, lol.

I was only 25 when we bought this house in late 1996.

She wanted a house with some property. Me, not so much. But it was also a fall back as a place to move her mother into if her health failed instead of shipping her off to an old folks home.

Hard to go against that and I was young and excited about it.

Unfortunately, it was a tight budget going in and in less than 3 months, the first setback occurred and over time, the constant struggle wore me down and broke me.

The foreclosure process was started once and we dug our way out if it with a bit of help. While it’s still a struggle, I feel I have a budget in place that will keep a roof over our heads for as long as we need it.

Selling it isn’t much of an option due to some things that need to be fixed. These would add up to huge expense and it’s not a possibility at the moment. We could probably unload it at a loss, but in all reality, her housing needs are more elaborate/tasteful/civilized 🙂 than mine. I could live in a cheap dump, but she’s a bit classier than that. Being on the back side of the mortgage means more principal gets eliminated with each payment, so we’re staying put for now.

My endgame is to earn enough money to get an RV and hit the road for the rest of my life. We’ve already acclimated to a tight budget, so I truly don’t need to earn a ridiculous amount. I just need to build something stable, which can be tricky online. I’m getting there. 😀

Not doing what I enjoy

The fact that I haven’t had the ability and/or motivation to get out and participate in things I enjoy like tennis, table tennis, and golf has probably had as much of an impact on my state of mind as the financial struggles and everything else that has chipped away at me over the years.

I’m not an extremely social creature, but I know that life as a hermit isn’t necessarily healthy, lol.

It’s hard to predict when I’ll be able to get back to these things. For now, I just have to be confident in the fact that I will be able to and keep working towards it.

When I’m able to hit the road, I expect to develop some new hobbies and sources of joy to add or replace my current ones.

Self-applied pressure can paralyze you

The brain seems to look for any little reason to hold us back from making changes from and getting out of our “comfort zone” even if that zone sucks. We fear the unknown. We embrace and do our best to continue with what we know, even if we aren’t happy with it.

In my case, I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to get back into one of my online passions. That passion would be warning others about so-called opportunities online that are at best a little shaky, but are most likely just scams destined to fail or be shut down.

While flip-flopping on what to do, my brain took the opportunity to distract me away from moving forward on the more traditional affiliate marketing side. After all, I couldn’t possibly work just part of my grand design. It’s all or nothing, son. Coupled with the traditional fear of failure if my affiliate marketing efforts flopped, I let myself get bogged down completely.

There are potential liabilities with this, but if I’m going to proceed with my Work At Home site, I don’t feel it would be right to ignore the dark side of the online world. After way too much thought, I’ve decided to move forward with it.

Okay. Let’s try to summarize this fairly lengthy post.

I’ve let numerous road blocks, both real and perceived, hold me back.

I’ve accepted what I believe I need to accept for now, but I’m looking with an optimistic eye towards the future.

I am now adapting, overcoming, and moving forward.

Best wishes to us all.

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